Am I living in the Grey area ?

Can I accept ambiguity and start recognising what kind of person I wanna be.

I was watching a series few days back, where there is a line that got stuck with me — she is living in the zone between intimacy and decency. She is not giving up, she is glowing up. She is much more bolder, meaner, whatever she wants to be — she is living in her grey area.

Not every time the sky is all bright and sunny, its cloudy, dreary sometimes, making you lose hope and faith in yourself as a person. As what I know of myself, I have always been very definitive of things, too much organized for my own good, ferociously stubborn but I guess all this time I just wanted something where I can be sure of the choices I am making, to bend down the rules a bit, to be in a bit of grey zone.

I have always restricted myself to my own things, my own comfort zone, stating that it hits my anxiety through the roof, harnesses my insecurities that I am not able to enjoy the simple things in my life. I am not sure if this is the person I even wanna be. Like I haven’t got a chance to sit and decide yet, do I indeed need to be nice to everyone by default or be agnostic of people and start protecting myself a bit more. Why do I need to hold onto things when I know that I don’t even need them? Maybe my streak of being nice, being definitive, anxiety makes me do it. To have everything and to lose nothing . A flight and fight mode. To run away as soon as things get tough, because it meant stepping out of the comfort zone, to change the perspective. My mind has always been in this crazy knot, “what he will say, what should I do, will I be able to present”, always trying to figure out how to fix all the situations. Most of the time, I like knowing everything, all contents of my head in nice little package but what if I dont know something then what — overwhelmed ?

We really don’t know why things are happening, and trust me we don’t even need to.

People find it scary to live in the grey. Some even find it offensive, because they believe they must have all the correct responses to the world’s toughest situations. In the grey area there are no universal laws dictating wrong or right. There are no best answers or perfect choices.

I believe for me to embrace the grey area, would be to change the outlook of my choices, explore new ideas. I guess being stringent over some things is good but to bend accordingly, a little should be there. To be able to handle ambiguity and uncertainty. Not holding onto the feelings and people, calling their bluff.

I am trying. I am really trying.

This is what the person I wanna be, to be handle whatever comes. To be able to relax my anxiety. Being my authentic self, is like living in the grey. To be able to accept, there is no right or wrong.I want the confidence to be who I want to be, regardless of others’ opinions or judgments. Rather than being told and taught the way to be, I can interpret situations for myself. I guess when we start living in the grey scale, we become more versed with the art of letting go, a certain combination of preparing the best you can and then letting go and allowing life to do what it does. Writing your own rules and being what you want to be.